its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
