What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
