I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
