i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
