I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
