There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
