So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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