Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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