What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
