Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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