was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
