You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina