I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...