I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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