literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book