I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
