I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
