Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Couch. On fire.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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