I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
