He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
