I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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