Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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