im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
