Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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