I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But break dance skills will only take you so far
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
