i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
