I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
