I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
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I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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