dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
