Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
