Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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