wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
