My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
