she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
