Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
