Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
