I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
