My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
