Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
