You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
