I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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