I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
