Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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