my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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