apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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