having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
