You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
