quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize