Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
