I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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