I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
