my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
