Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
