I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
