I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
