Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
