He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
