Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
